


Mass Murder

by Rivine



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Background Colin Robinson, Human/Vampire Relationship, M/M, Mockumentary Format, Non-Graphic Humans Being Consumed by Non-Humans, Post-Episode s02e10 Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires, Pre-Slash, Vampire Slayer(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivine/pseuds/Rivine
Summary: Nandor has concerns about being around someone who kills his kind.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	Mass Murder

“Guillermo is a mass murderer,” Nandor said, in a hushed tone. “He’s killed dozens of vampires. Dozens!” He leaned forward. “Maybe even hundreds!”

There was a muffled thump from outside the room and Nandor startled.

“I think that’s him,” he whispered. “Guillermo? Is that you?” he called out.

“Yes, master. I’m just taking out the garbage.”

“Oh. Okay, then.” Nandor turned back to face the camera. “I’m so nervous around him now. What if he can’t control his terrible urge to murder vampires, and he kills me?”

***

The camera followed Guillermo as he dragged a heavy roll of tarp down the hallway, out the door, and across the yard. He struggled to heave it up and into the car’s trunk, and a corner of the tarp fell loose. He hastily flipped it back up to cover the blood-stained shoes as headlights cut through the darkness and lit up the back of the car.

He gave a relieved glance at the camera as the minivan drove past without pausing.

***

“He’s gone,” Nandor announced. He stepped back from the window that he had been peering through and beckoned to the film crew. “I want to show you what I found. Quickly, before he comes back.”

He led the way through the house, to Guillermo’s bedroom. He opened the mini-fridge by Guillermo’s bed, revealing a stack of wooden stakes.

“Look! Look what he keeps in this closet he sleeps in!” Nandor shut the fridge door with a shudder. “There are more, hidden all through the house! It’s terrifying.”

***

“Ever since the sinkholes started showing up, I’ve had to find new ways to dispose of all the bodies,” Guillermo said, his eyes on the road. “Sam knows some people who can help, so I’m going to meet them tonight with some of the, um, backlog.”

The camera panned to the backseat, which was piled with several large tarp-wrapped bundles.

“I really hope this works out. There’s been a lot to deal with lately, and it would be a huge relief to not have to keep finding different parks to bury them in. It’s crazy how many people Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo kill in a week.” His smile faltered. “It’s— it’s lot of bodies.”

***

Nandor led the camera crew back out of Guillermo’s bedroom.

“Killing everyone at the _Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires_ was a terrible act of wanton slaughter,” he said, closing the door behind him. “But he was defending me, his master, so I think we can all excuse that. It was also a little bit sexy, especially since I was tied to a chair. Murdering the Baron, though, and Carol—”

“Hi, Guillermo. Back already?” Colin Robinson said loudly, from somewhere near the front door.

Nandor froze. “Oh, shit,” he mouthed.

“Are you looking for Nandor? I just saw him heading toward your room.”

Nandor turned about in panic. Finding nowhere to hide, he grabbed at one of the film crew out of frame.

“Act natural,” he urged. “Pretend you didn’t see the stakes!”

He straightened up and did a poor job of looking composed.

“Where is Guillermo?” he called out theatrically and started to stride forward. “I have some laundry for him to do.” He nodded at the camera and gave a worried thumbs up. “Follow my lead,” he whispered.

Nandor came out into the foyer, where Colin Robinson was standing alone.

“I’m just messing with you,” Colin Robinson said. “He’s not back yet.”

Nandor hissed at him and stormed off.

***

“I’ve been freaking out Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo about Guillermo being a vampire slayer,” Colin Robinson said. “It’s very satisfying, and for almost no effort. All I have to do is make them feel that their lives are in danger, and then belittle their fear afterwards. The level of resentment is”—he chuckled—“really something.

“Tomorrow I’m going to start saying, ‘Go get ‘em, killer,’ whenever Guillermo is leaving the house.”

***

“I’m going to drop you off here, and then I’ll meet them in that parking lot over there.” Guillermo pulled over to the curb. “They said to come alone, and I’m worried that if they see a documentary crew the first time we meet, they won’t take the bodies even though Sam vouched for me.”

***

Nandor stalked angrily along the hallway, the camera bouncing as the crew trotted after him. He pulled open the door, and something rustled along the floor.

A plastic shopping bag was caught on the corner of the door. Nandor kicked at it, and the end of a flat, plastic package slid out.

***

In the distance, Guillermo got out of the car and walked toward the back of a large van. He waved hesitantly as two bundled-up figures left the cab and came to meet him. After a short discussion, one figure opened the back doors of the van and the other went with Guillermo to his car. They began loading corpses from the car to the van.

When they were done, one of the figures handed Guillermo something, which he stared at while they slammed the van doors shut.

***

Nandor sat with the package of crepe paper in his hands.

“Guillermo must have got it for me when he went to the store earlier, and left it outside my door because I told him I wanted me-time. Really I just wanted him to leave me alone. But he got me this. A creepy paper multipack.

“He’s a vampire slayer. I should hate him for killing my kind.” Nandor looked at the crepe paper for a long moment. “But I don’t.”

***

Guillermo pulled up to let the film crew back into the car. “They gave me money,” he said, and half-laughed disbelievingly. He held up an envelope. “I thought I would have to pay them, but they actually bought the bodies and asked if I would bring them more.”

His expression suddenly changed.

The camera swung to film the street as the van drove past them. A winking cat with _Chester’s Finest - Gourmet Cat Food_ arching above and below it was emblazoned on the side of the van.

Guillermo looked at the camera and visibly swallowed. “That’s what Sam eats.”

***

“Guillermo?”

“Yes, master?” Guillermo’s footsteps sounded along the hall, and he opened the door.

“Did you finish taking out the garbage?” Nandor asked.

Guillermo glanced at the camera. “Yes, it’s all taken care of. There’s, um, a disposal service I got a contract with. Do you need something, master?”

“I want you to hang up the creepy paper,” Nandor told him.

“Oh. On the ceiling?” Guillermo asked with a hint of hopefulness.

“Yes. I’ll carry you and you put it up. But don’t get excited about flying and drop the tape, okay? It’s very irritating when you do things like that.”

“I won’t, master. What color do you want to start with?”

“I want to do the purple first. And then the red.”


End file.
